When a boss is a bully, interesting work, perks and competitive salary may not be enough to retain good employees. Abusive treatment from the boss can drive people out the door and damage a companies reputation.

Bosses Who Bully

Not too long ago, I had lunch with my friend Sarah. I hadn’t seen her in a while. I was surprised when she mentioned that she was leaving the company she has been with for almost ten years. The developers, testers, and other managers at this company respect her, and she loves what she does. Her workplace sounds ideal. So, why is Sarah leaving?

Sarah isn’t leaving for a more prestigious position or a higher salary; her boss is driving her out the door. Sarah’s manager blows up when things don’t go the way he wants them to, and she has had enough. “I’m tired of being screamed at,” Sarah said. “Life is too short.”

While some people may feel they have to accept abusive behavior from bosses in order to keep their job, I agree with Sarah: Life is too short.

The Prevalence of Verbal Abuse

Sarah’s not the only one who has had to deal with a hostile boss. According one report, ~13 % of people experience verbal abuse. That seems low to me, and many experts believe the incidence of verbal abuse is under-reported. However, another eye-popping study in healthcare found that 91% of respondents reported verbal abuse. What ever the number is, it is too high. Verbal abuse is never okay.

The Costs of Verbal Abuse

Some people dismiss my concerns about workplace abuse. They tell me I’m too sensitive. Speaking of his boss, one person said, “He blows up, and then it blows over. Nobody takes it seriously.”

But there are costs–both to individuals and the organization.

Individual

In a 2004 article, Benedict Carey wrote: “It is not long before dissatisfaction spreads, rivalries simmer, sycophants flourish. Normally self-confident professionals can dissolve into quivering bundles of neuroses.”

People who work for abusive managers often have stress-related problems and illnesses. They miss work due to symptoms or avoidance. While many people continue to perform their job conscientiously, they withhold discretionary effort.

Organizational

Yellers drive turnover. It is often more difficult to entice internal candidates to work for a manager with a reputation for outbursts. Job sites may that catalog employee experiences can hurt the reputation of the entire company.

Many people would rather walk out the door than work for an abusive boss. The people who do stay may feel trapped by the job market. Or their own beaten-down self-esteem inhibits them from looking for a better situation.

There are obvious moral and ethical concerns involved. Beyond that, people who feel trapped or beaten-down are not likely to be either engaged or creative. They are not likely to go the extra mile for project or customers.

Different Types of Abusers

In my experience, abusive managers fall into three categories.

Unaware

Strange as it may seem, I’ve actually met managers who were not even aware they were yelling. Some people come from families where yelling is part of their “normal” communication. They see yelling as expressive, not aggressive.

Because they view yelling as normal, they may not be aware of the effect their yelling has on other people. Once they’re aware, they may change their ways.

Theory X

Some managers believe that people are basically lazy and will not work without coercion and threats of punishment. This view is called Theory X management. But, I don’t hear people say, “I work better when I’m a little afraid. If my boss didn’t threaten me, I’d never get a thing done!” However, some managers seem to believe this is the case. People who hold this view see yelling and threats as appropriate management action. And they may create a self-fulfilling prophesy, as their abused workers withhold discretionary effort.

Sometimes yelling works in the short-term, as people will do what the yeller wants to get him to stop yelling. They may hope that placating will prevent future yelling. This reinforces the yeller’s mental model of management.  He seldom looks at the other effects of his management methods: stress, illness, information hiding, lack of engagement.

Out-of-Control

Some people are not able to manage their emotions and responses. These are the bosses that react disproportionately, blow up, vent, swear. I’m not talking about the occasional “Oh, sh*t.” These manager fly off the handle for supposed transgressions large and small. They may need professional help and support to understand their own behavior and make changes. This is not the role of the person being abused. You can empathize for the individual’s pain and struggle, but you don’t have to put up with the bad behavior.

What You Can Do

Some people, like my friend Sarah who I told you about at the beginning of this article have the option to leave. Unfortunately, not everyone has that option.

Create Awareness

Assume your manager isn’t aware that he’s yelling. Comment on the yelling and the effect it’s having on you. In a calm voice say, “What you have to say is important to me, but I can’t hear you when you’re yelling.” This may be enough to jolt the yeller into awareness.

It helps to have a response prepared ahead of time. Because when the yelling starts, your brain may stop working.

Work with HR

If your manager is abusive, you can try solve the problem by working with HR. Unfortunately, there’s no guarantee of success.

HR’s job is to protect the company’s interests, not yours. In my experience, the higher in the management chain the abuser is, the less likely HR will take action. The company has probably tacitly accepted his behavior for years. Many people rationalize accepting abusive behavior by dwelling on the person’s positive contribution. They may focus on productivity, or specialized knowledge, or even say, “but he’s a good guy.” They don’t account for the damage done.

However, when there are multiple complaints on file, the calculus may change. HR may decide that it is in the company’s best interest to coddle the abuser.

Make Your Own Power Move

Many bullies fold when faced with a forceful response.

One option is to stand up and leave the room (or the zoom) when the abuse starts. State that you will not tolerate verbal abuse. Offer to reschedule. Go directly to HR and file a formal complaint.

If others experience or witnesses the abuse, talk to them about corroborating your account. Multiple reports change the risk calculation for the company. You may be able to force action that way.

Try recording the meeting. Hit record if you’re communicating using Zoom or some other platform. Otherwise, use your phone, or some other recording device. Don’t hide it–which could lead to some other problems, depending on the laws where you live.

Be quite open. You might say “I’m going to record our conversation, so I don’t have to rely on my memory to recall all the important things you have to say.” Start the recorder. This reduces the chance that your manager will yell. And if they do, it’s on tape.

These tactics might end the yelling, but they probably won’t contribute to a productive working relationship.

Cope

Rarely, I hear from someone who has found a way to survive an abusive boss.  They manage to cope.  The fact that you can’t let it roll off yours doesn’t mean you are too sensitive, thin-skinned, or weak. Consider what you are willing to live with.

Consider what you are willing to live with. Employees have a right to be treated with respect and dignity in the workplace. When you encounter an abusive manager, hold on to your self-esteem, take action, and decide whether the paycheck is worth the price.

Start examining your options for another position, either within or outside the company. Plan your exit. When you do leave, state your reasons in the exit interview.

The Bottom Line

People who Cannot manage themselves should not manage others. No ifs, ands, or buts. No excuses. End of discussion. And check out Bob Sutton’s The No Asshole Rule.

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An much earlier version of this article appeared on stickyminds.com. Updated 2020