5 Comments

1. 

   Danie on June 2, 2011 at 9:02 am

   Applying the Meta Model[1] is a powerful tool in conversations like these.

   Helping the other person to recover that which they have deleted, generalized and distorted helps them to have a richer map of the situation.

   1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meta-model_(NLP)

   Reply
   • 

     Esther on June 2, 2011 at 9:41 am

     Hi, Danie –

     It’s a bit tricky to help another person recover the deletions.

     The other person may be looking for allies to bolster his view, not a challenge to his perception. He may not want help. He may not want help from you. He may view your attempt at help as an implicit evaluation.

     A lot depends on your relationship, and the setting.

     Reply
2. 

   MD on June 5, 2011 at 10:15 am

   I agree with the general spirit, but do you think it is always true? I was meeting a person today who said “Oh, I don’t have a job. I have huge problems in the workplace, and I typically fail at interviews. This is because I am not polite, I always tell people what I think to get the job done.”. I interact with her through a neighborhood association. My experience is, dealing with her requires constantly setting and enforcing boundaries, and handling with a barrage of complaints and threats of legal action if any of her requests are refused (even if the refusal is based on clear and unambiguous legal rules). This takes a lot of time and energy. So I was not at all surprised by her statement about workplace problems, and she would be the perfect definition of someone who is difficult to manage: a person who constantly violates boundaries and takes a lot of time and energy from people around them.

   Reply
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     Esther on June 7, 2011 at 5:41 am

     From your description, you know how to manage this person. You set and reinforce boundaries, You don’t allow her to bully you with her complains and threats. In that sense, she’s not difficult for you to manage.

     It seems that she’s unaware that her style of “I’m not polite, I always tell people what I think to get the job done” actually makes the job take longer.

     As you point out, there’s a trade off between how much time and energy get focused on one person vs. the functioning of the group as a whole. I can see why an employer might decide that her contribution didn’t justify the costs in other people’s productivity.

     Reply
3. 

   Asbjorn Bjaanes on February 1, 2014 at 3:44 pm

   Thanks for your inspiering writing Ester 🙂

   Filling in with samples for distortion and generalization, which also causes unclear communication.

   Generalizing: “because I don’t understand his actions”
   To clarify the generalized statement you may ask something like “Never? I’m sure that you sometimes understand, could you be more specific about when?… What sort of actions and what is it about them is it that you do not understand”.

   Generalizing more: “… and I don’t know what to do”, to clarify “I’m sure that you probably got some ideas or thoughts”

   Distortion: “I’ll miss my goals and my boss will think I’m not competent”, Mind reading and assuming? Your boss might just as well admire you for trying.

   Reply

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